I’ve written many times before that I think online poker is superior to live. After spending the last six months experiencing a high volume of both, I feel like I’ve finally accumulated enough information in order to present a thorough list on why online poker is greater than live poker. Let’s break it down issue by issue.

1. Earning power:
a. Online poker: Sure it takes a considerable amount of work to reach the point where you’re a comfortably profitable online player, but once you do so the money is considerable. How considerable? If you’re good enough to reach 50% ROI at mid-high stakes MTT’s online and can put in $2500 worth of buy ins a day six days a week you stand to expect to make $7,500 a week (obviously expectation is not actually earn.) That’s enough money to call up your lawyer and ask “What’s happening you broke mother ****er?!”

b. Live poker: Because you can’t put enough volume in at live poker to find a true expectation over your life time, I can only assume that the old adage “The house always wins” applies and we’re all losing money at live poker to the casino all the time. Except Timex of course.

2. Retardation:
a. Online poker: Because you play online poker in the safety and comfort of your own home there is a very low probability that you will encounter someone spewing retardation directly into your brain on a daily basis. Make sure to avoid leaving the TV on Fox News to add further protection.

b. Live poker: Retardation lurks everywhere in live poker, mostly as a result of the retards that surround you at the table. They will tell you how you misplayed your hand and discuss ways in which to better your play. Your only defense is to smash your fingers into your ears and scream “BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA I DON’T LISTEN TO RETARDATION I CAN’T HEAR YOU BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLAAAAAH!!!!!” as loud as possible. In the event that you fail to do so your brain will experience symptoms similar to gangrene. If you are unfamiliar with those symptoms here is the appropriate Wikipedia link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gangrene. Yea, you don’t want that **** in your brain.

3. Health:
a. Online poker: Health risks in online poker are vastly different to those associated with live poker. While habitual fat assery is common in both, online poker has a number of unique concerns. The most common injury is a bladder burst, caused by hours upon hours sitting in tournaments with no synchronized breaks and no appropriate near by waste receptacle. To prevent this common risk consider investing in a quality thermos, such as the ones offered at www.thermos.com. There’s even a ‘Barbie’ thermos, known by online poker players as the ‘R. Kelly model’. Carpel tunnel is also common amongst poker players, but recently doctors studying the condition stated that people who spend the majority of the work day at the computer should warm up their muscles through thorough masturbation prior to use.

b. Live poker: Though live poker has the similar high risk of fat assery, there is the added risk of scum baggery. You may get jumped in your hotel hall way a la Greg Raymer, or perhaps smashed in the head at knife point a la Jason Potter, or perhaps robbed at gun point twice outside the Rio a la the wife of Michael Mizrachi, or have your heart shatter like a dumped 12 year old girl when busting the WSOP main event 2008 a la Jean Robert Bellande. There’s also the brain gangrene stuff.

4. The smell:
a. Online poker: My apartment smells like a mix of BBQ, bananas, the yellow lemon stuff I spray where the dog pees, and a dash of smug satisfaction.

b. Live poker: Smells like BO, weird Venetian perfume stuff, cigarette drenched jackets, and fear.

5. The commute:
a. Online poker: The roughly three second walk from my bed to my computer. $100 says it can be done in two.

b. Live poker: At best, a decent drive into the casino. At worst, 30 hours straight in airports and planes that will constantly cause money transportation problems. Enjoy customs detention you terrorist funding drug dealers.

6. The chicks:
a. Online poker: Has the girls of the internet. More porn than you can shake a stick at.

b. Live poker: Has real women, who expect to be paid for things.

7. Strategy:
a. Online poker: Requires in depth knowledge of range percentages, patterns of thinking and non thinking players, comprehending poker tracker statistics, a complete understanding of ranges, a balance of aggression, the ability to manipulate bubbles, the ability to three and 4 bet light, stack sizes, position, and a highly developed multi tasking ability.

b. Live poker: Requires the ability to tell when a player on the table is actually, somehow, above level one thinking.

8. Top pro:
a. Online poker: Has Patrick Antonius, you know, God.

b. Live poker: Has Barry Greenstein, who come to think of it, has probably bagged more chicks than Antonius. Well played Greenstein.

9. The hang outs:
a. Online poker: Has the forums, where you can learn the game, make friends the world over, and go from universally beloved to feverishly ostracized pariah in the event of the slightest infraction. Other popular hang outs include Pokerstars, Full Tilt, and several far less credible poker sites.

b. Live poker: Has the player parties, with the guy to girl ratio at a figure so high three NASA mathematicians died trying to figure it out. It also has several live poker rooms across the world, home of rakes so big they require gigantic boxes under the table for the drop.

10. The chairs:
a. Online poker: I’m sitting in a chilled out plush leather recliner that has wheels, which affords me the option of spending my entirely driving around the apartment, were I so inclined. If I was balla I would go and buy one of those massage things you drape over it, but I’m not. Actually no wait, I really should do that.

b. Live poker: For just $2 a minute (that’s a $120 hourly) the masseuses at the WSOP will massage out the aches and pains the live poker chairs will inevitably incur.